A lot has happened the months that have passed since my last blog; I didn’t make one post in October, November, or December, and I was determined not to let January pass me by too.  A quick recap of what I did makes it easy to see that I really was not just lazing around doing nothing for a few months:

1. I got back into the teaching groove and fall quarter at the college where I work sped by.
2. I attended a weekend of invigorating yoga training and a separate one day workshop. At both I met some amazing like-minded yogis who remind me that yoga is so widespread and common these days.
3. I consented to editing a self-published novel for one of my sister’s clients, and I finally finished.
4. I sewed an awesome costume for Halloween.
5. I cooked a delectable Thanksgiving feast to share with my family and good friends.
6. I faced my fear of flying to attend my grandmother’s funeral; the same grandmother that I’ve written about before who I credit with introducing me to the practice of yoga.
7. I celebrated Christmas with loved ones. I confess that I may have overindulged in consumerism despite making a goal not to succumb to the evils marketing.
8. I  still  managed to find time to keep up my household chores and spend time with my wonderful family.

With all of that going on, let’s just say I’ve been struggling to find the yogic balance that’s so important for my sanity. I’ve struggled practicing Ahimsa in my own life. I have tortured and overworked myself physically, mentally, and emotionally, and not only am I paying the price, but I find myself on edge with my family and friends so they are paying the price for my actions as well. When I agreed to teach full-time in addition to my part-time gig in the Writing Lab, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Class preparation for three back-to-back classes the following day takes a lot longer when I’m prepping content for two different levels of English and trying to keep up with grading for eighty students.  It’s my own fault that I’ve once again over committed myself—I really need to practice saying no.

Why is it so difficult for some people to say no? Why do I have such a hard time disappointing the people in my life. It’s not just those close to me either, but I’m afraid of disappointing people I barely know too. Afraid is the key word in that last sentence. It all points to fear. I have a fear of saying no because I am afraid to stare into someone’s eyes when they’re full of disappointment. So am I afraid that I will disappoint them, or am I afraid that I’m not capable of pleasing everyone? It’s a catch-22. If I can’t please everyone around me, then I’m a failure to them; if I stick my neck out to please everyone I’m a failure in my own life.

Fear is often what drives people to do crazy things. Fear of failure keeps well-qualified people from applying for that dream position they fantasized working in while they were still in college. Fear of change and instability makes people stick with jobs they’ve been miserable in for years. Fear of the unknown keeps people grounded in the same small town, or even country for that matter, they were born in. Fear of trying new things is often why people get stuck in ruts. It is all too easy to get comfortable with the same old routine:

1. wake up at the same time
2. eat the same breakfast we ate yesterday
3. motion through our morning rituals
4. drive the same route to work
5. eat the same boring sandwich for lunch
6. drive the same route home in reverse
7. eat a typical “specialty” for dinner
8. relax and watch a new episode of an old TV show
9. lie down the indentation carved into the pillow
10. drift to sleep in the same comfy position
11. and repeat day after day

There is nothing wrong with finding comfort in our day-to-day routines, but it can make it difficult to let new, exciting things into our lives. If we don’t try new things, we won’t know what we’re missing. If we don’t make time for those salsa lessons downtown on Wednesday, we’ll never know how good our ballroom dancing skills are. Maybe they are no good, but wouldn’t it be fun to meet some new people, dance into the wee hours of the night together, and find out if we have two left feet? I don’t want to let fear keep me from finding joy.

Self-study, or Svadhyaya, is an important facet of the Yamas and Niyamas of yoga. Getting to know ourselves is challenging, and part of growing as an individual is trying new things. It’s time to let go of fear and take on a new adventure, even if that adventure is trying out a new recipe for dinner or registering for a Spanish class at the community college or saying no when it’s good for your sanity. So what if you find out you don’t like something, at least you learned something new about yourself. Eventually, you might find yourself on that dream vacation digging your toes into the warm sand beneath the shade of a palm tree on a serene beach in Fiji….you gotta embrace that fear of flying first. But hey, you have to crawl before you can walk, you have to walk before you can run, and you have to run before you can jump headfirst into making your dreams a reality.